Feeling stretched thin with the demands of caring for aging parents and caring for your children at the same time? Welcome to being a part of the “sandwich generation”. And you are definitely not alone.
The sandwich generation refers to a group of people who are simultaneously taking care of their children and aging parents. This group is often sandwiched between the responsibilities of caring for their children and fulfilling their obligations towards their elderly parents. This can have a significant impact on their relationship or marriage, and it's essential to understand how to navigate these challenges, and it can be especially difficult for couples who are trying to balance their caregiving responsibilities with their own relationship needs.

1. According to a 2018 study by the Pew Research Center, nearly half of adults in their 40s and 50s have a parent age 65 or older and are either raising a young child or financially supporting a grown child (or both). This group, sometimes called the "sandwich generation," is particularly stressed, with 62% saying that they feel "a lot" of stress from both caring for their parents and their children.
2. A 2018 survey by Caring.com found that caregiving can take a toll on a couple's relationship, with 40% of respondents saying that caregiving had a negative impact on their marriage or partnership. The most common issues cited were lack of time together, emotional strain, and financial strain.

One of the most significant impacts of the sandwich generation on couples is the increased stress levels. When couples have to juggle the demands of their careers, children, and elderly parents, it can be incredibly overwhelming. This stress can lead to conflicts and tension in their relationship, making it difficult for them to connect emotionally and physically.
Moreover, being part of the sandwich generation can also lead to financial strain. The cost of raising children and caring for aging parents can be a significant burden on a couple's finances. This financial pressure can lead to additional stress and strain on the relationship.
Another significant impact of the sandwich generation is the time and energy it requires. Caring for children and aging parents can be time-consuming, leaving little time for couples to spend together. This lack of time can lead to a decline in intimacy and emotional connection, which can strain the relationship further.
Despite the challenges, there are ways for couples to navigate the impact of the sandwich generation on their relationship. Here are some tips:

1. Communication is key. Couples must communicate their feelings and needs with each other. This communication can help them work together to find solutions to the challenges they face.
2. Prioritize self-care. It's essential for couples to take care of themselves physically and emotionally. This self-care can help them manage stress and stay healthy, which can improve their relationship.
3. Set boundaries. It's essential to set boundaries around caregiving responsibilities. Couples must work together to balance their caregiving duties with their other responsibilities and needs.
4. Seek support. There are various support groups and resources available for caregivers. Couples should take advantage of these resources to help them manage their caregiving duties.

One of the biggest impacts of the sandwich generation on couples is the added stress and pressure that comes with caring for multiple generations. This can lead to increased conflict, communication breakdowns, and overall dissatisfaction in the relationship. When couples are dealing with the emotional and physical demands of caregiving, it can be difficult to find time for their own needs and for each other.

1. According to a 2019 report by the AARP, caregivers in the sandwich generation are more likely to report feeling isolated, stressed, and overwhelmed than other caregivers. This can put a strain on their relationships with their spouses or partners.

In addition, the financial strain of caring for aging parents and children can take a toll on a couple's relationship. Couples may have to make difficult decisions about their finances, such as cutting back on vacations or other activities that they enjoy, in order to make ends meet. This can cause tension and resentment, particularly if one partner feels like they are bearing the brunt of the financial burden.
The sandwich generation can also impact a couple's intimacy and sex life. When couples are dealing with the stress and exhaustion of caregiving, they may find it difficult to connect emotionally and physically. Sleep deprivation and the demands of caregiving can also lead to decreased libido and overall dissatisfaction with sex.
Despite these challenges, there are ways that couples in the sandwich generation can maintain a strong and healthy relationship. Communication is key - couples should make an effort to discuss their feelings, needs, and concerns openly and honestly. They should also try to carve out time for each other, whether it's a date night or a weekend getaway. Seeking support from family, friends, or a therapist can also be beneficial.
In conclusion, the sandwich generation can have a significant impact on couples and their relationships. However, by recognizing the challenges and taking steps to address them, couples can navigate this difficult time together and emerge with a stronger, more resilient relationship.

 
Resources:

1. Parker, K. (2018). A growing share of middle-aged adults say they’re ‘sandwiched’ between aging parents and children. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/01/18/a-growing-share-of-middle-aged-adults-say-theyre-sandwiched-between-aging-parents-and-children/
2. Caring.com. (2018). 2018 Family Caregiver Survey. https://www.caring.com/caregivers/sandwich-generation-survey/
3. AARP. (2019). Caregiving in the U.S. 2019. https://www.aarp.org/content/dam/aarp/ppi/2019/05/full-report-caregiving-in-the-united-states.doi.10.26419-2Fppi.00049.001.pdf

Hi Everyone, If you are reading here, you are probably wondering, "can online therapy really be as effective as in-person? In an uncertain world, this is an important question, and the answer might surprise you!

Click below to read a summary of a brief, recent, research-based report

Benjamin Franklin said: "Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man [or woman] healthy, wealthy, and wise".
Asking yourself thoughtful questions throughout the process of working towards your goal is key. Throughout all of the steps to setting and achieving a goal, from planning, initiating, working through the ups and downs on your journey, and then finally, reaching your goal, can start with your WHY…
Asking yourself WHY this goal, and WHY this goal NOW, can increase your motivation and help you to stay on course when motivation gets weak.
Do you want to be healthier? Weathier? Wiser? Or? ____fill in the blank.
The WHY is what can get us to get up 30 minutes earlier to exercise, to say “no” to that second helping of food, and to give up unhealthy habits.
What will be fundamentally different in your life when you reach your goal? Is your goal something that can be achieved in the short-term? Is it more of a long-term goal? What are some milestones along the way that will keep you going where you know you are making progress? Do you plan to reward yourself for success or take something away if you don’t stay the course? This can make a huge difference, but the most important thing is what motivates you?
When it comes to self-improvement, everyone has different things that motivate them to start, perhaps set some intermediate goals, and define what their final goal would be.
Celebration! How will you celebrate reaching your goal? Will it be something you do on your own or with others?

Maintaining and staying on course when you have reached your goals can be one of the hardest parts of goal maintenance. When working at a major weight loss agency, it was a strongly held belief that losing the weight and reaching a weight loss goal was the easier part and that maintaining the weight loss and keeping your weight stable over the long-term was much more difficult. Focusing on weight stability, especially in the absence of not having the tangible victory of a “loss” every week, but trying to celebrate that you were staying stable in your weight loss, proved to be more difficult for most of the people who came through the doors every week.
Conversely, sometimes growth and change are the main measures of success and it is important to define what growth would look like and what guidelines you would use to measure ongoing success. It is important to set strong goals for growth but perhaps equally important to reality-test these goals to avoid discouragement. Again, having an accountability partner can be a source of collaboration and feedback in the process of defining reasonable goals for growth, such as in a business start-up.  
CELEBRATE AND REWARD YOURSELF
What kinds of types of things that keep you motivated? What would be a good reward for your hard work and your success in reaching your goals or the benchmarks that you have decided on, along the way? It is important to consider having the reward be something that is meaningful and whether you will be celebrating on your own or if you will be celebrating with others. Gratitude towards others who have helped you along your journey can be validating for both them and for yourself and perhaps sharing in the success with someone who has been your source of support, can encourage them to continue with you, but can also be an important part of staying motivated. It is important to consider tokens of appreciation for anyone who has helped to fuel your success, if this is permitted. Maintaining a core group of supporters can help to sustain you in the long term.
All the best on your journey!
Tanya Hansen

Using SMART goals to Make a Change – 5 Key steps
Are you ready for change? Tired of feeling like you are never making progress on important goals? Following the Steps for Success as outline in SMART goals can be the key to reaching your short-term; medium-term; and long-term goals, using SMART goal principles.
Establishing a goal is an important first step as you need to know what the target is in order to hit the target. The you can start to make a plan.
There are a variety of similar acronyms for SMART goals, and the one I will suggest is:
SMART = Specific/My own goals/Achievable and action-oriented/Realistic/Time-based
I would add a second “A” wherever possible, which is accountability – self-accountability/monitoring is paramount as this is something within your control, whereas accountability via others may not always be within your control, but it does not mean to discount valuable resources such as: close family members and friends; paying someone such as a life coach or counsellor to keep you accountable. For example, weight-loss programs such as Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig can be very helpful because there is education and accountability built into such programs.

1. Specific  - be as specific as possible in your goal – assess the difference between an immediate/short-term goals vs. medium or long-term goals. Foe example, a short-term goal could be to go to the gym twice this week, whereas a long-term goal could be to run a marathon.
2. Measurable/MY own goal – establish is this is a goal for you, and that the outcome of achieving this goal is solely based upon your efforts, although you can ask others to assist or hold you accountable. What is the measure you are planning to use i.e. if you plan to workout 3 times per week, then following through and exercising 3 X during 7 days would be a way to measure your success.
   
3. Achievable – is this goal achievable based upon your current situation? It is advised not to have 7/7 goals i.e. setting a goal of attempting to meet up with friends twice in one week may be more achievable than meeting up with friends every day for a week, particularly if you have other obligations.
4. Realistic – Choose a goal you KNOW you can reach in the short-term prior to making more extensive or long-term goals. For example, if you have not gone jogging or running in the past year, simply creating a goal of going running for 10 minutes would be more realistic than planning to run a 5K.
5. Time-based – having a time-based goal can facilitate a sense of achievement. It is important to begin with shorter goals initially and work towards longer and more extensive goals after the more immediate goals have been achieved.

A SMART goal-setting handout is available at the end of this post. Simply put in your first name and email address and the free handout will be emailed directly to your in-box.
Next weeks blog will focus on sharing your goal with someone and the power of support and accountability.
Tanya Hansen, MSc (CMHC), MTS (Coun), CCC is a psychotherapist/counsellor and life coach
Web-based and telephonic services are also available for distance client in Canada. Life Coach services are available internationally.

5 Tips for Helping Your Children Choose (and keep) Good Friends
Friendships can be difficult, even for adults and for children, it can be difficult to navigate friendships that can sometimes seem ever changing and evolving due to moves, changing activities, changing schools, and sometimes just friendship “break-ups”.

1. Teach and model good friendship skills to your children by: teaching them the importance of sharing; being a good sport if they lose; the importance of providing a listening ear; sticking up for their friend when needed; and the value of loyalty and knowing that there can be ups and downs in friendships.
2. The value of forgiveness, which does not always mean the friendship can or should continue. Sometimes, with repeat offenders, or abusive friendships, it can be important to forgive, but possibly equally important to “move on” if the friend continues mean or unacceptable behaviour. Your child does not need to be a doormat.
3. Fostering good self-esteem is an important role parents and caregivers can play. Reminding your child that they are truly special, unique, have their own special gifts and talents, and that they are loved can go a long way in your child not feeling they have to stay in unhealthy friendships.
4. Meeting the parents or caregivers of your child’s friends can also be a very important way to monitor your childs’ safety. As a psychotherapist, I have unfortunately heard stories whereby a child was sexually assaulted, witnessed violence or substance abuse, or have been injured due to negligence, while at a visit or a sleepover at a friend’s house. Don’t feel bad about “vetting” another parent prior to allowing an unsupervised visit. I generally aim to have a visit with both the child and at least one parent before considering this. I tend to be the parent that prefers to have my children’s friends come to our home, but I also just enjoy hosting in general.
5. ASK your kids about their friends. It is a great way to improve your relationship with your kids in general, by being genuinely interested in what is going on in their friendships. As a therapist, I always ask my child and adolescent clients about their friendships, as this is a very important part of their life. Most of the time, when it feels more like genuine interest, rather than an interrogation, kids are very happy to share this part of their life.

Sharing what you value about your own friendships and what qualities you feel are important to look for in a friend can also be a very valuable teaching tool, and your kids will likely appreciate you taking an interest in this important part of their life.